


i can’t escape my mind but i can make peace with it (so long as i have you)

by DisasterLesbean



Series: Our Lives Together [2]
Category: Booksmart (2019)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Annabelle Backstory, F/F, elaborates on some things
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-09
Updated: 2019-11-09
Packaged: 2021-01-25 20:17:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,427
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21362089
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DisasterLesbean/pseuds/DisasterLesbean
Summary: She doesn’t bully Molly, she’ll leave the gay bullying schtick to Hope. It seems to be going great for her if Amy’s confused scrunch at Hope’s most recent insult is anything to go by. No, she doesn’t bully. She definitely takes every opportunity to fight with Molly. The thing is, Annabelle doesn’t think anyone could ever successfully bully Molly.
Relationships: Annabelle | Triple A/Molly (Booksmart)
Series: Our Lives Together [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1407763
Comments: 6
Kudos: 66





	i can’t escape my mind but i can make peace with it (so long as i have you)

Annabelle’s known she’s bi since she was eight and her next door neighbor gave her a homemade birthday present. She knew then that she wanted Amira to be like the girls’ boyfriends at school. Annabelle wanted to always sit down next to her during lunch and share her food, she wanted to hold doors open for her, but it wasn’t to be. 

Amira moved away and Annabelle found a comfy corner in the closet. 

She stays there for a while. 

She finds out that kissing girls at parties is okay but only if there’s alcohol involved and she acts like she doesn’t want to. If she acts like it’s not something she thinks about all the time, people laugh and holler. Staying in the closet during high school is easy and hard. It gets worse once the Triple A bullshit starts. 

She isn’t sure when the depression started either, or if she was always depressed. She knows it gets unbearable once puberty kicks in and school gets more intense. No one is matching squares anymore. Everything is popularity, sex, and partying. At least in her spheres. She could have sought out different social groups, maybe it would have helped. In the end, she’s into partying and having sex. She just wishes it could have been with better people.

She loses her virginity to a swimmer. She doesn’t tell her friends why the smell of chlorine makes her perk up and look around for weeks. 

Her home life isn’t easy, it’s a fucking nightmares. She’s shuttled from her parents home and she doesn’t even have a preference, they’re both terrible in their own ways. At least at her dad’s she won’t be degraded by her mom, at least at her mom’s she won’t be on parole. They’re both shit in their own ways. Hearing people talk about the perfect body and then having her mother talk about how hers fails fucks her up, she’s lucky enough to realize that quick. 

Having her worth measured by her weight and the number of boy’s attention she can get? That’s some straight up horror movie evil.

She doesn’t have a name for it. The dread of having to wake up, how she fluxuates between no sleep and sleeping through days. How if she thinks too much about her life, everything going on, she can’t breathe and her chest tightens. 

She only gets a name when she has a meltdown that even her own parents can’t ignore.

It’s an odd day when they’re all together in some sort of forced bonding hell. Her mother keeps ragging on her clothes, her father silent and stony. It just sort of happens. They’ve been worse, she’s sure she’s been worse too. Like the weekend after she slept with Kyle from math and he told everyone, maybe that weekend would have made more sense. 

Except her mother says her hoodie is slutty and she loses it. She’s screaming, waving her arms around as she spills so much anger. So much of what she’s stored up. Her parents watch on in surprise and anger. Then she stops yelling because her voice breaks, the tears start and they don’t stop. She’s shaking apart, a quake in motion. 

They call a therapist the next day and set up an appointment. She thought at first it was because they thought it was best for her. She realizes it’s just another way they can shuffle her off and not have to deal with her.

“You’ve been spaced out for sometime, Annabelle. Care to tell me what you’re thinking about?” Her therapist, Doctor Phillips asks.

“How much longer I’ll be here.” 

“I know you don’t want to be here. Why’d your parents stick you here?”

There’s something about her therapist’s voice lets her relax her shoulders. She gets it’s her parents forcing her to be here, her parents who somehow thought pawning her off on someone was a good idea.

So, props to Doctor Phillips for knowing which buttons to push. Annabelle doesn’t realize how much she’ll mean to her. She doesn’t know years from now she’d send an invite to Doctor Phillips before her own parents to her wedding.

“I got angry.” While inaccurate, she isn’t lying.

“Do you get angry often?” 

“I don’t think so.”

“Why’d you get angry?”

All the pent up frustration begs to be released but she knows how this goes. Her mom always asks her what she feels but she doesn’t give a shit, it’s just a string to pull, maybe some leverage over her dad.

“Just the usual shit.”

“Usual?”

Annabella crosses her arms and leans back in the seat, tapping her foot irritably. “You know how it is, divorced parents trying to force bonding while acting like twelve year olds.” She recognizes the irony considering she isn’t much older than the age she accuses her parents of acting.

“How do your parents act?” 

“They’re not terrible it’s just a lot on everything else.”

“What’s everything else?”

Annabelle looks at Doctor Phillips suspiciously. “Just the usual shit.”

It takes a while for Annabelle to share it all or even part of it. Their fourth meeting takes place when she’s particularly down and just wants to go back to sleep. Maybe that lowers her defenses, maybe she just wants someone to notice. She leaves with a prescription for antidepressants. 

Things get better in that regard. She starts trusting and talking to Doctor Phillips. The medication helps. She starts running and doing yoga, it all kinda helps. 

She doesn’t tell Doctor Phillip about liking girls.

It’s easy to hide when she doesn’t really like any girls like that. Sure, she’s attracted to quite a few. None that she’s willing to crack the door for. She knows how it would go too. If she thinks the mutters of slut and whore are bad now, they’d get so much worse. In the end, it isn’t worth it. 

She thinks so until one day she’s getting froyo and spreading rumors about Dick Splinter. She looks up and sees her. She knows it’s her immediately. She almost has a bi freakout in the freakin’ line but remembers herself and more specifically, remembers that Theo is right next to her. 

“You think Tanner was being for real about my shoes?” Theo asks her, looking towards the shoe store. 

“Fuck if I know. You want to go ask him? I can get your froyo.”

“Really?” 

“Yeah, it’s not like it’s that hard. I just get another.” She teases him. 

It rolls off of him and he just hoots, hugging Annabelle. “You’re the best Annie, if you need help text me.” He bounces off, making sure Tanner is getting the right shoes. 

“Annabelle?” She thought by excusing Theo her brain could quietly melt in peace. She hadn’t expected Amira to notice her too let alone remember her. 

“Hey, Amira!” Annabelle hates that she sounds so excited.

“It’s been so long! How’ve you been?” Amira clicks her phone off and sets it on her table, the guy across from her raising his eyebrows. 

“I’m good, going to high school. Looking forward to getting out of here.” Annabelle smiles and it’s her real smile. The kind she lets Theo and Tanner see, the one she never lets the idiots at school see. Or her parents, since their divorce. 

“Next.” The cashier calls. She gives him an apologetic fake-smile and puts in Theo’s, Tanner’s, and her own order. She pulls her backpack off and reaches for her wallet only to hit pencils. “Shit, my bad. I don’t have my wallet let me call my friends-”

“It’s fine, I got it.” The guy stands from his seat, pulling his wallet out. She hates that he’s nice because if he’s Amira’s boyfriend she has to hate him on principle. 

“Thanks.”

“No problem.” He has a nice smile, the kind that would usually make her lean in a little closer. If Amira wasn’t in the shop and her heart wasn’t racing. 

“Ha! Guy’s punching his Triple A card.” Some jock from school calls out, elbowing his friend. 

Just like that her bubble is burst and the armor is back. She can’t be fighting if she’s busy being gooey. “Aw, still upset I didn’t blow you? Maybe your friend should give me a call.” She winks at the now blushing guy wearing a letterman. 

“What an asshole. Sit with Amira and I? At least until your friend gets back?” He shoots the jock a look and grabs two of the froyo when she nods. 

Annabelle (3:32) waiting at shop, ran into someone

She tucks her phone into her back pocket and sits down at the end of the table. “Sorry about that, how’ve you been?” She directs to Amira.

“Very well, thanks. When my dad got transferred I was upset to move away from my friends but the new town was amazing. I’m getting ready for college now, trying to figure out where I want to go.” 

“Nice, any idea what you want to do?” 

“She’s going to be a business major.” The guy says as if it’s an obvious joke.

“Hasan is being an ass, I’m going to major in environmental studies.”

“You can start fixing our mess.”

“I doubt I’ll fix much of anything at this rate but I don’t think I could live with myself if I didn’t try.” Amira smiles at her, she believes in what she does and Annabelle is proud of her. Amira was passionate about the environment even when they were kids. She’d make Annabelle help clean up their houses like it would help somehow. One time, she made Annabelle sneak in blue bins for recycling when Amira’s parents had gotten rid of theirs. Everytime they got rid of it, one of them would sneak in another. 

“Anyone can change things.” Annabelle smiles back. She wishes she could control how Amira makes her feel, how the iron clad control of her feelings is slipping. 

“This may be forward but are you doing anything tonight? I’d love to catch up.” Annabelle tries to discern the exact meaning of those words. May be forward usually implies something not entirely platonic but catching up can be platonic. She never thought of Amira as anything but straight so she fears her own hopes are clouding her better judgement. Plus, it’s entirely possible she’s sitting with Amira’s boyfriend. “Hassan won’t mind, he can go hang out with my ex-girlfriend. Things are still awkward between us but they’re friends.” Just like that Amira answered all of her questions and set her mind through another small meltdown. Ex-girlfriend, girl, gay.

It’s almost too much. 

Then Theo and Tanner come hobbling in, looking at the shoes with obvious delight even though they’re still in the box. “Annie they look so sick!” Theo declares when he approaches.

“Thanks.” Tanner says as he takes his froyo.

“Thank Hassan, he bought them.”

“Oh, thanks dude.”

“No problem, we better get out of here if we want to beat the traffic.” Hassan stands, pulling out his phone. 

“You’re right, it was good seeing you again Annabelle.” Amira smiles at her again. Amira’s different then she remembers her. Older, taller, her shoulders broader. Her smile is the same. Unrestrained joy, like she doesn’t know what it means to hide her happiness. Rather, Amira has just never been the kind of person to hide parts of herself. She’s the kind of person who buys recycling bins out of her own allowance to spite her parents and declares her sexuality in a town Annabelle is afraid to breathe in. 

“You too.” Amira was always pretty but Annabelle was a kid. It wasn’t about her being pretty or physical attraction, it was that Amira always offered her snacks and took her side in things. Now, pretty and physical attraction play a hand. Her smile is devastating, it lights up the room. “I’m free, by the way.” It comes out awkward and rushed but Amira stops her path, steps that lead away from Annabelle. 

“Yeah?” Her lips twist into a different expression and Annabelle knows she’s so fucked. There’s a satisfied smugness to it, like she was waiting for Annabelle to trip over her own words. Tanner looks a bit confused because she isn’t usually one for verbal fumbles.

“Yeah, seven at Salvador’s?”

“It’s a date.” Amira walks out, leaving a seemingly untarnished room in her wake. Annabelle would literally fight anyone that everything was blown away but she’d probably lose.

“Who’s that?” Tanner asks.

“My old nextdoor neighbor, she moved away.”

“Ohhh.”

“Yeah, curious what she;s been up to. Also curious if a girl can get Hassan’s number.” She wiggles her eyes suggestively, getting a choked laugh from Theo.

“I am going to get brain freeze if you do that!”

At some point, after Amira shows up and kisses Annabelle’s cheek, she realizes it really is a date. It’s a date because Amira asks the gayest first date question ever and Annabelle’s kicked out of platonic crushing. 

“When did you know?” Amira’s leaning forward, her whole focus on Annabelle. She’s been like that the whole night and it’s a little overwhelming. Usually guys will talk about themselves or get on their phones. Not all guys, she’s been on some really good dates, but a lot of them.

“Know?”

“That you were ...weren't straight?” Amira amends her comment.

Annabelle takes a sip of her water and wishes it was stronger. She needs the moment to steady herself. She hasn’t talked to anyone about it. Not her parents, Nick, not even Tanner and Theo. The only person who knows are her few hundred followers on Tumblr but they don’t know her.

“Honestly?” Amira hums her assent, fingers twirling a ring. “Do you remember-” Amira’s self-satisfied smile returns, realizing it must be connected to her. “-when my parents were fighting a lot and they forgot my birthday. You didn’t. You brought me this homemade robot that absolutely didn’t work but it was adorable and having you remember meant everything to me.”

“I’m glad I was there for it.” Amira’s smile has toned down, changed gears. “Mine was when you held my hand during trick-or-treating.” 

“I always did that.” 

“I know.” 

“Oh.” Annabelle smiles crookedly, pleased she is also part of Amira’s not-straight awakening. 

“You’re not out, are you?”

“No, I haven’t actually told anyone.” 

“I’m your first?”

“Yeah, I guess so.” Annabelle shifts, trying to act like it isn’t as big of a deal as it is. 

“I’m touched.” Amira reaches across the table, laying her hand on Annabelle’s for a moment before taking it back. “So, first crush and the first person you’ve told.”

“Lot of firsts.”

“First date with a girl, too?”

“Is it that obvious?”

“Not at all, I’m glad it’s me.” 

Amira tells her about her life after she moved away. She narrates it like a story and Annabelle is hooked. She talks about the awkwardness and feeling left out, meeting Hassan and finding a best friend in him. She talks about school and her family, the new city, the people. By the time Amira wraps up what’s been going on with her, Annabelle gets all the answers she’s always wanted.

“I never stopped missing you, though.” Annabelle smiles at that.

“I used to think you’d come back, kids are like that you know. I didn’t get the permanence of moving away. Every time I’d see something that reminded me of you I’d buy it and keep it until you got back.” Annabelle admits. 

“That’s both the cutest and saddest thing I’ve ever heard.” Amira laughs.

“I’ll take it.”

Amira holds her hand after the date, they walk down the streets talking idly about their lives. 

They reach Amira’s car and Annabelle pulls back hesitantly. “I hope this isn’t forward, but if it’s alright with you I’d like to be another first.” Amira steps forward, hand brushing Annabelle’s jaw. Her intent is clear but she waits for Annabelle’s permission to go any further. 

Annabelle acts instead of talks, leaning in and pressing her lips to Amira’s. It’s like a million small explosions. Kissing one of her oldest friends and long time crush is way different then kissing guys or even the drunk excuse of kisses with girls. This is the tension of the whole day, from the moment she saw Amira, to now. It’s a soft hand tangling in her hair and the warmth building between them. Annabelle presses Amira against the car, her other hand pulling Annabelle in by her lower back. 

The jangle of the keys against Annabelle’s back makes her pull back to catch her breath. They’re both breathing heavy but she doesn’t move further away.

“Wow.” Amira chuckle, it’s throaty and does all kinds of things to Annabelle. “Want to-”

“Yes.”

Amira and Hassan leave two days later, it was only a brief visit. Amira leaves her number with Annabelle but they both agreed not to try and pursue a long distance relationship. Instead, they rekindle their friendship. Admittedly they weren’t exactly chaste during her two days in town. 

They text non-stop at first but it slows down, it’s not a bad thing. There’s no barrier or anything, they’re both just busy. Every time they do text, it’s great.

Annabelle’s feeling particularly fragile before her therapy session. Sleeping with Amira was amazing but it also made it harder to try and suppress her bisexuality. It’s all she can think about, all she wants to talk about. She almost told Tanner but the moment passed and she felt panicked. She’s been panicked all week.

“Annabelle, how are you feeling?” Doctor Phillips does a good job hiding her surprise but Annabelle knows she looks like a mess and it took her off guard. She’s supposedly been doing better, after all.

“I’m fine.” She should have cancelled. She thought about it but she didn’t want to lose the hour with someone she doesn’t hate. 

“Have you done anything fun over the week?” Doctor Phillips switches tactics, knowing if she presses Annabelle will close down.

The question brings to mind Amira’s smug smile and infectious laugh. “Uh.” Doctor Phillips waits, tilting her head a little top show she’s listening. “Everything I say here is confidential right?” 

“Of course, I won’t tell anyone including your parents anything.”

“Well...I ran into an old neighbor. We used to be close, best friends as kids. We caught up, went out. Hooked up.” It was a lot. More than a hookup but she feels oddly exposed.

“How’d that make you feel?”

She smiles at the thought of Amira, having that connection. The thought of what it entails causes her stomach to roll. “I don’t know.”

Doctor Phillip’s stops writing and looks up at her, thinly veiled concern. “You don’t know?”

“It was great, don’t get me wrong. It’s just that...she’s the first woman I’ve been with.” Annabelle shifts uncomfortably, looking away from Doctor Phillips.

“What’s wrong with that?” 

Annabelle snaps her eyes toward Doctor Phillips, she looks unphased. Annabelle breathes a little easier. She knows Doctor Phillips is here for her and it’s against her job but she was still afraid. She knows what it would be like at school.

She shouldn’t let it bother her, all the idiots calling her names. It shouldn’t but it does. She knows she’s above them and they’re just jealous. She’s popular, she’s hot, the guys want her. People lash out and try to strike at her because they know they’re less than her. It’s just how it is. 

Then why is she bordering on crying in her therapist’s office?

“You can’t be into girls and a slut.” 

She cries after she says it.

That’s the first time she tells someone in her day to day life about her sexuality, the first time she tells Doctor Phillip about Triple A and all the shit at school, it’s the first time she really breaks down during therapy. 

She liked her first times with Amira a lot more.

After that, she starts to notice Molly.

She always noticed her, it’s impossible not to. She’s even taken opportunities to roast her. It’s when Molly’s superiority complex gets to her. It’s one thing for Annabelle to try and trick herself into thinking she’s better than others as a way to deal with people’s bullshit, it’s a different thing for someone to believe it. Molly truly believes she’s better than everyone else and Annabelle starts wanting to knock her down a few pegs. 

She doesn’t bully Molly, she’ll leave the gay bullying schtick to Hope. It seems to be going great for her if Amy’s confused scrunch at Hope’s most recent insult is anything to go by. No, she doesn’t bully. She definitely takes every opportunity to fight with Molly. The thing is, Annabelle doesn’t think anyone could ever successfully bully Molly. 

Molly tosses judgements and insults her way and she throws them right back. She makes fun of Molly’s clothes even though they’re oddly attractive and fitting on Molly. She honestly only starts flirting with Nick because she notices Molly’s attitude towards him. 

It works when Annabelle gets a glare from hell and several hushed Triple A’s from her. Getting Molly so pissed? Honestly one of her best highs in high school.

“Yo, Annie. You’re getting straight obsessed with her, bro. It’s terrifying.” Tanner says to her one day when she’d just verbally duked it out with Molly.

“I have better things to be than to be obsessed with her. It’s just funny how angry she gets. She’s like a fucking teakettle.”

Then the bathroom happens. Honestly, that was a bit far even for her. She tries not to talk about women sexually or anything about their bodies. She gets how damaging it feels to have people judging her sexuality. Still, when Molly tries to flex on them she fucking snaps. 

Again, she kind of regrets it. Mostly not, not defending herself and her boys. Just the first part. 

She doesn’t expect much that night, a party and getting a bit fucked up. The usual. 

She gets there early and hangs out with Tanner, Theo, and Nick. She gets drunk early on, just as the party starts. She makes out with Lindsay during a game of truth or dare and thinks that’ll be the highlight of her night. Lindsay was a good kisser and there’s something about her eyes, like she was trying to communicate she’d be down to continue. If Annabelle wasn’t still highly closeted and easily panicked, she might have taken her up on it. 

Instead, she switches to water and eats some food to sober up.

She thinks sobering up is a mistake when she sees Molly and Amy pile into the party. Seeing Nick flirt with Molly irritates her. She has no claim on Molly and she sure doesn’t want one but it still causes jealousy to stir. She’s the only one of the popular kids who’s supposed to get Molly’s attention. She forgot Nick always got Molly’s attention. She winces when she realizes Molly doesn’t know about Ryan and decides to leave the room, it’s a little hard to watch after that. 

She wanders back around when she hears the yelling. She’s just started ghosting the party, watching weird shit happen. Molly and Amy screaming at each other? She’s pretty sure it’s the fucking apocalypse. There’s so much said in such a short amount of time and they’re holding nothing back. Annabelle takes the girls phone next to her, camera on.

“Have some fucking class, Brenda.” She tosses the phone onto the counter and starts taking people’s phone, trying to stop the recordings. There’s too many phones, she knows she won’t get them all. It feels wrong. She loves drama as much as anyone but it’s too exploitative. Molly and Amy don’t deserve to have this crack in their friendship put online, made fun of. She’s usually all for making fun of Molly, not now. Not here. Even she has her lines. 

Amy and Molly split up. She heads Molly’s direction, unsure what she’s going to say. Except, Jared is already there. 

The cops arrive and she bails.

Of course Molly’s on the side of the road. 

It ends up being one of the best decisions of her life, to pull over. Their conversation is open and they communicate a lot. They talk about more than Annabelle can usually handle. 

She runs into Hope at graduation. “Hey, you heard about Amy?” Annabelle would never outright call Hope on her crush but she’s gotta at least let Hope know her girl is locked up.

“What about Amy?” Hope looks off, she looks downright suspicious.

“Whoa.” She knows that look, Annabelle grins. “Good job, I was afraid you’d die harboring that ship.” 

Hope cuts her a sharp look. She crosses her arms and scowls at Annabelle. “What did you walk over to tell me?”

“Amy got arrested.” 

“What?” Hope’s jaw almost drops, she blinks in surprise.

“Right? Fucking insane. I had no clue she was a badass. You’re going to have to step up your game.”

“My game is fine, Annabelle.”

“Oh? How come you didn’t end up going home with her then?”

“Not everything is about sex.” Annabelle might believe her if Hope wasn’t avoiding her eyes.

“Ohhh, I see.” Annabelle wouldn’t press about sex but could see that it was in the equation.

“It was just, kind of a mess honestly.” Hope anxiously runs her hand through her hair. Annabelle and Hope aren’t exactly best friends but she liked Hope well enough. She knows she can irritate Hope but she thinks Hope could like her too. She doesn’t want someone sitting on shit just because they don’t have anyone to talk to about it. 

“You can talk to me about it, you know. I’m down to listen and I won’t tell anyone anything.” 

“No offense I just don’t think you’d really get it.” Hope at least tries to make it seem inoffensive, Hope’s the kind of person who’s sort of naturally rude. It doesn’t mean she is, she just comes off that way a lot of the time. Annabelle raises an eyebrow at Hope, if anyone would get sex shenanigans she would. “No, I mean the girl situation.”

Annabelle briefly looks around, seeing no one near them. She takes a deep breath. It’s graduation, she’s moving on from here. Molly said she’d drop the Triple A bullshit at college and she’s definitely not staying connected to people who call her that. She should be free to come out after she goes to college. Although Hope is a bit of an asshole and has bullied Amy, she knows Hope wouldn’t tell anyone. She decides to make a huge risk. “I wouldn’t be so sure of that.” 

“Oh.” Hope seems genuinely surprised. It’s Annabelle’s turn to avoid eye contact and look as awkward as possible. She hopes no one looks their way, the two of them are being social disasters. “Thanks for telling me.” Hope smiles and leans against Annabelle.

“So, now that my resume checks out, what happened?”

“I don’t want to violate Amy’s privacy.”

“I respect that.” She does, it raises her opinion of Hope. “It was your experience too and I think it’s okay to confide in someone, it’s different from spreading rumors. If it still makes you uncomfortable, you don’t have to tell me.” 

“I guess my main concern is more how I reacted. There were some complications and I freaked out, yelled at her and told her to leave.” 

“That’s not going to be a problem, trust me Hope. Just reach out, let her know it was an overreaction and you’re still wanting to try.”

“I guess.” Hope mulls it over. 

“In the meantime, here’s my number if you want someone to talk to about it.”

They take their seats and graduate. 

Watching Molly kiss Jared makes her feel not great. Not obvious spiking jealousy like Nick but not great.

Hanging out with Molly sort of just happens. Amy leaves for Africa and Annabelle has a lot of free time that summer.

“Molly I’m begging you, if you want to kill me just stab me.” Molly scowls at her, poking Annabelle’s thigh with her foot. Annabelle swats at Molly’s foot. “I’m serious. Bludgeon me with a brick just don’t make me watch another terrible documentary.” 

“You have no taste.”

“I have plenty of taste it just doesn’t involve documentaries. The world is a messed up place, I don’t need to waste valuable television time on learning something I already know.” 

“First off, I’ve seen you laugh at Kitchen Nightmares so you have no taste.” Annabelle has no defense, she knows a solid burn when she sees one. She can thank Gordon Ramsey for that, the man lights up a dumbass chef like it’s an artform. “Secondly, documentaries aren’t just doom, there’s valuable information about society-”

“You want some valuable information about society? Watch a movie that gives commentary. Hell, watch a show with hot people, that’s all the information I need.” 

“What? You want to watch a shitty CW show and feel like you’re somehow more evolved entertainment wise?”

“Sweetie, I’ve seen your Netflix so don’t be tossing shade my way. All I’m saying is that you can watch documentaries alone or with Amy, maybe bully Jared into it. I want to watch actual movies.”

“What do you propose?” Molly looks like she’s really about to hear Annabelle’s case, like she’s practicing for the courthouse or something. Instead of being irritated by it like she might have once upon a time, she smiles at Molly’s stubbornness. Molly smiles back, challenge still squaring her shoulders.

“A League of Their Own.” Annabelle suggests. She hears Molly mutter something about it being a good movie. “That’s right, like I said I’ve got good taste.” 

“You have Hello Kitty sweats.”

“Yeah? I’m not seeing your point, Davidson.”

“Play the movie before I put on a documentary about global warming.”

“Hot.” 

She hangs out with Molly and Jared twice and barely gets through it both times. Jared just isn’t the type of person she gets along with, she thinks it’s the same for him. 

Molly’s humoring her and walking alongside her in the hot summer day. Annabelle’s hunting on both Pokémon Go and Harry Potter while Molly texts Amy. “How’s Amy?” She breaks the silence, both content in their own worlds.

“She’s good, she’s enjoying it.”

“Nice, has she texted Hope?” 

“No! I cannot deal with her excuses. Do you know how long she danced around Ryan? I love the girl to death but she’s terrible at dealing with her feelings for women.” Molly goes off and Annablle laughs, Molly slows down. 

“What?” Annabelle asks at Molly’s expression.

“Oh, nothing. You just have a nice laugh.” Annabelle blushes at Molly’s comment against her will.

“Is it only Amy who’s terrible at dealing with her crush?” Annabelle raises an eyebrow at Molly.

She expects Molly to sputter and maybe have a moment of straight girl panic but Molly just grins devilishly. “Don’t worry, I’m excellent at relationships with women. Just ask Amy’s parents.” 

“Gross.” Annabelle winces and Molly laughs.

“Come on, I’ll buy you a coffee.”

“For emotional damage?” 

“Honestly.” Molly shakes her head at Annabelle.

Annabelle (4:02) molly made a joke about her and amy

Hope (4:20) thanks i just puked all over my tent.

Annabelle (4:20) blaze it

Hope (4:21) i’ll block you

Annabelle (4:25) who would be your secret amy informant then?

Hope (4:30) points have been made, i just don’t appreciate them

Annabelle (4:32) if it makes you feel better, amy is still def high key gaying out over you

Hope (5:46) thanks

Honestly, it just makes sense to move in with Molly.

She didn’t think she’d end up falling in love with the freak.

“We’re friends.” Molly seems so surprised. 

As Molly goes through her realization, Annabelle goes through her own. Molly is realizing they’re friends Annabelle is realizing how deep her feelings have started to run. Annabelle dates, she has sex, but feelings are a lot more rare. There’s been a few guys she could have had feelings for if she wasn’t struggling so much but she wasn’t comfortable enough in high school. She started getting her depression and struggles situated by the end of high school, she just wasn’t emotionally available to anyone she was dating before that. 

She easily could have loved Allen. He was always the first to smile in a room and had the best hair she’s ever seen on a guy. She just couldn’t open herself to him, too afraid of what might happen. The only person she’s really let in is Amira and that’s probably because she knew her when she was young. 

She hasn’t felt this intensely about someone since she was a kid looking at a ragtag robot and a hopeful smile. 

She calls Hope.

They mostly call each other, Hope isn’t crazy big on texting but she’ll do it. Annabelle just calls since it’s what Hope prefers and that way Annabelle can multitask. This time she calls because she needs to hear Hope’s advice.

“I can’t talk long, what’s up?” Hope’s brusque voice answers. 

“How long have I been into Molly fucking Davidson?” Silence meets her question.

“Hold up, guys I’ll be right back.” Hope tells someone near her. “Alright, I’m here.”

“She breaks out a chore wheel, a chore wheel for chrissake. I should not find that attractive, but here I am! Finding it cute as fuck. What am I on?” Annabelle presses her hand to her forehead, not wanting to touch anything in the single stall she’s locked herself in.

“Do you not want to have feelings for her?”

“What?”

“You’re freaking out. Is it because of the feelings or because you don’t want them?”

“I...I don’t know. I didn’t think I’d be into her, we were like enemies forever. She’s pretty different from who I usually go for and-”

“And?” Bless Hope’s patience. She isn’t patient with most people but she is with Annabelle. 

“I haven’t really been into a girl for a while. I don’t know if I’m ready for that.” Annabelle’s brave, she’s the kind of person who goes for what she wants. The idea of chasing after Molly is enough to cripple her with fear.

“There’s no rush, Annabelle. Just because you realized you have feelings doesn’t mean you have to act on them. Just think about it, see how you feel. I’m here if you need someone to talk to. Huh, we both ended up crushing on the nerds.”

“I know, our poor reputations.”

“I can never be seen back in high school.”

“That’s what you think but Amy is definitely into high school reunions.”

“You just gave me a small stroke.”

“Ha! You’ll be arm in arm with the girl who made us all spend a school day every semester cleaning up freeways.” 

Hope hums, sounding pleased by the idea. “Maybe someone will say something, I could cut them down.” 

“Got to look at the silver lining.” 

Living with Molly after realizing her feelings is hard. She’s more aware of how beautiful Molly is, how all her nerdiness is actually cute, she’s even into it when Molly being bossy and unrelenting. Annabelle parties her feelings away.

Alcohol and random people numb how she feels whenever Molly does something nice or touches Annabelle. 

It’s fine until she gets too drunk one night and the people she came with leave her.

Molly comes to help, she doesn’t even hesitate. She sounds worried. The night is kind of blurry, she doesn’t remember everything. It’s terrifying. 

She burrows in the hoodie that smells safe and sleeps.

That changes things in a big way. 

She’ll admits hearing Molly come out, look at her like she’s something special, is one of the best moments of her life. 

She steals away every moment of Molly’s affection.

It only makes sense to move in with Hope and Amy after graduation, even if she can barely stand Amy’s jargon. Maybe she’s grown affection of her but she refuses to let it show. She’s probably doing a terrible job of it considering she let Amy’s design opinions pass. Whatever, it makes Hope happy.

Annabelle is applying to schools for her master's degree, more than a little stressed out. The others are avoiding her, knowing she gets snappy when she’s stressed. She hears a phone vibrate against a table and almost throws hands but Molly is on it.

“It’s your phone, Belle.” Molly offers it.

It reads Amira which is mildly surprising to Annabelle. Amira and her keep in touch but they haven’t really talked in months. “Hey, what’s up?” Annabella takes a break, leaning away from the computer she’s yelled at three times since the morning.

“Hey! I’m in town, I was wondering if you wanted to meet up?” Annabelle looks at the applications and considers. 

“Let me ask Molly real quick.” She pulls the phone away, looking at the three who’ve taken to hovering. “A friend wants to meet up, you guys down?” 

“You’re okay to take a break?” Hope asks, a look of judgement.

“I’m not that bad.” Hope opens her mouth to protest but Amy elbows her.

“We’d be happy to get out, maybe get some food.”

“Yeah, some fresh air would be nice.” Molly agrees with Amy.

“Molly’s down, we’re bringing our roommates if that’s cool.” 

“Yeah, I’m bringing Jen with me. Hassan’s bringing his boyfriend too.” 

“Cool, meet up at two?” 

“Sounds good, I’ll text you the place?”

“Yep, see you then.”

She stands up and stretches, her back pops several times. “Definitely a good idea to get her outside for a bit.” Hope grumbles as she leaves the room. 

“Ugh, I have to shower and get ready.” Annabelle gripes to Molly.

Molly grins, pulling Annabelle towards the shower. “I’ll just have to help you out.” 

“A good thing too, I’m going to need a lot of help.” Annabelle smiles, following after her. 

“We’re so going to be late.” Annabelle laughs at Molly’s faux distressed voice. 

“That’s what you think. I’m quite good at getting ready on time.” 

“Oo, sexy.”

The shower is cold by the time they get out but they aren’t late, even if Hope and Amy give them shit for it.

Annabelle smiles and hugs Molly closer to her.

Her issues and struggles aren’t over, no one’s ever really are. She’s learned to accept herself, love herself. By loving herself, she’s opened herself to being loved.


End file.
